Le sigh...

Remember this little charm --where i talked about how if I didn't think about something, it kinda sorta didn't exist? -- well, it doesn't actually work, because when I get bored, I inevitable veer towards thinking/ruminating on this one subject and it drives me batty.You see, I have this charming little quirky semi-sorta kinda maybe almost relationship thingy.... ( you'll note my hesitation, yes?) with the guy from the infamous anniversary party. We get along great, we hang out all the time, have cute little nicknames for each other,  have been *friends*  for almost 6 (omg,  omg, omg) months now.  My  problem with this, and I don't know if it's so much as a problem that I have, or if it's one that others have with the way my current ( and I still hesitate to say the word) relationship is going. You see, we don't have a definition for our current status. We are best friends, but there is so much more than that to our ...lets just call it a boat shall we? ( The --ship word bothers me) , tht it makes it difficult to explain to others and have them understand the full complexity of our boat.

So, in the interest of airing the subject and maybe even making it a little clearer to myself, I'm gonna attempt to break it down.

Current Status-- Pros in pink, Cons in Blue

• multiple times a day text messaging/ phone callscute nicknames (Batman and Robin, the DJ and the Star....)
• we both call my place *home* although he doesn't live here but on that note, he does have bathroom things here and clothes in the closet
• .It is  almost an automatic assumption that Thurs, Fri and Sat night will be spent together, with him ending up spending the night one if not all nights.
• there is, obviously (and I apologize in advance to my father if he reads this), a sexual aspect to our ---boat
• He's my best friend
• I feel completely comfortable around him to the point where I can actually wear pajamas around the house and not feel odd (this is a huge deal for me, I am anal to a fault about being dressed when I have company over, and didn't' even let my roommate this winter see me in my pj's and she LIVED here)
• He asks for my input on important decisions on things, such a buying new car ( and actually takes it)
• He handed over his credit card and favorite jacket when I had to leave for my mother's death with no qualms and with out my asking for assistance. Insisted on my taking said items in fact.
• He is the first person who I call with my random complaints, goofy comments or sad stories
• He tells me his hopes and dreams and the things that scare him and knows that he can trust me with them.
• He automatically knows what drink I want while out at the bar, and buys it without my asking.
• He can tell when I've had a bad day and I don't even have to say it.
  
• Am almost 100% positive that we are monogamous ( my half is 100% and I am 97% he is as well)
  
• We both talk about other people and wonder out  loud if we could "get with" that person
• Neither one of us says the L word sober
• We deny the existence of a --ship 

So, my conundrum is this-- at one point we actually had a conversation about the "ship" word-- and neither of us was willing to be in one *at that time*-- this was in early Nov. Needless to say, time has passed and the obvious amount of *ship*-ness that we have is apparent even to those that don't know us-- for instance, while out on Saturday night, we were asked no less than 3 times if we were dating. Both of us denied it, although I don't think the people asking bought it.  People I work with tell me that we are dating, and that we are both in denial.  My only issue with our current situation is that rarely, when i text him, he doesnt' respond and that makes my inner insecure fat chick really nervous ( a bad habit, i know...it's a tough one to battle) and then I start to worry and project my fears/issues from my marriage on to this -- ship thing that we have here.

So based on *your* history, are we dating? Do we need to sit and have that Talk again? Is it worth making the both of us uncomfortable to define something that is actually really great right now? Does putting a label on it make it more "official"--- does it even need a label?

Comments

[Becky]

Bren-- Bottom line for me is Does he make me happy-- and the answer is unequivically yes. Do I need acknowledgement publicly-- No..the kiss goodnight, the look over the heads of other people at the bar that holds an entire conversation in a second, the phone call while he's driving home to catch me up on his day--those are the things that I need, and get. Those are my bottom lines--does that make sense?

[Brenda Bradshaw]

Okay, so what's your bottom line? That's everything for me: finding that bottom line.

Does your bottom line regarding him require a label? Does it require discussion involving monogamy? Does it involved public acknowledgement that you're together?

Find your bottom line and you'll find your answer, and you'll also find that things you TAUGHT really mattered just... well, don't.

[Becky]

Bren-- Divorce is final, has been since before we met. I deny involvement, because if I think there is a ship and he doesn't, I don't want to feel like an ass for reading more into it than he does, and frankly it scares me that I've become this attached to someone so soon after my divorce. I think he denies involvement as its new territory for him, he's never dated someone older, he's not in the postition financially/materially that he thinks he should be in and it makes him feel like less of a man or so I gather from the talks we have had regarding his status.

It's an odd situation, I know.

[Brenda Bradshaw]

You know the answer to this without having to ask: it doesn't matter what we think or others think or bar buddies think or co-workers think. What matters is what YOU TWO think. Follow your gut. If you feel like you should talk about it again, then put on the fancy panties and talk about it. My only concern would be that if I know I'm 100% in on monogamy, he damn well better be too. If you two are equal on that, every insecurity you have will fester up and use that at the reason for him not commiting 100% to your ship. "If I was enough for him, if I was thin enough for him, if I was funny enough for him... blah blah blah... then he'd want me and just me." Not saying that those are the reasons he wouldn't be with just you, I only know how the mind works on these things, YOU know how the mind works on these things, so you should know his relationship status since, ya know, it involved you too.

I really dislike vague labels. Is Rick my boyfriend? Well yeah... but we live together, we share everything together -- bills and kids and everything -- so it's BIGGER than "boyfriend" but we aren't married yet. Sometimes we BOTH use "married/husband/wife" because it's just easier, but we both KNOW where the other stands on the issue.

This is a significant issue to you or you wouldn't be blogging about it, so stop wondering and simply ask.

And now that I think about it more, why IS this an issue? Why are you both denying involvement? Maybe there's more here than I'm aware of, but I don't see a single reason right now why you should keep it a secret. Secrets cheapen whatever connection you do have. So what if the divorce with Jason isn't finalized (I'm assuming this is the reasoning). It's not anyone's life but your own -- so own it.

[Becky]

Good point, Mo. I hate defining it, it makes it seem less like "our" boat and more like other peoples. We have fun, we make each other happy--can I really ask for more?

[Mo]

wellll...as I have a 20-yr. old 'boat' of my own, maybe I'm not the best source of advice here, but do either of YOU find it necessary to "define" this fun & comfortable road that you're traveling?! I mean, do you think that calling it "dating" or a "relationship" or whatever will somehow "fix" the "inner fat-chick" (your words) insecurities you're feeling? I somehow doubt it. Those are your own, I'm afraid, regardless of what you CALL your boat.
My advice (since you asked! lol) is to keep on sailin', and don't give a thought to what the people on shore call your little dinghy...
I hope the winds are brisk, and the waves are small!